From Dirt. My Garden.

My hearty reasoning for questioning the integrity and understanding of the human race holds to the fact that more recently I have felt grey. Some would call it numb.
Although I have always felt the way described in the last post this time it is a fact that my heart is holding true to my soul in what I'm going through.

Recently It would seem as though I am whole.
I feel no pieces missing.
I am comfortable with myself,...and happy....bouncing along as I always have but on better terms and with absolutely no worry.

The thoughts that once raced through my head are gone....
temptation to unnerve me has arrived and I have quickly walked past it's darkness knowing and seeing it for what it really is.

When people quote saying's and proverbs, it bugs me. It always has.
For the one and only reason that 99.999.999 100,000 % of the time.....they have no understanding of what these saying's REALLY mean.

They might get it.
They might see the outcome and know that they don't want to be there.

But they have no idea what it really feels like.
There have been event's leading throughout the past 5 years that I have prayed for, I have asked for, from deep deep within my soul and heart.
There have been people that waltzed into my life and out from along the paths that we walk and seem to cross that have led up to and been a part of this....

On a level for the past month or so I have felt more myself than I ever have.
Not tainted by medicine, or preaching groups, pushing instigators, pressure, hurt, negative influences in social activities or bad people.

I have pushed the darkness out of my soul.
It's gone. and I can literally feel it....

I look around from inside my heart.
This day, and I see a whole wide world, and a ground with no holes, pockets, ant hills, or pestecides.

I see the land healthy and strong.
I see my soul and my world in my heart as it is supposed to be.
I see my life. Starting.
I can't wait to see what's down the road...

Natural Quest for life.

This week has been challenging for me with my job.
In light of things I am able to be flexible within my work. I love the people I take care of as though they were my own family, and I get to spend significant amounts of one on one time with them which motivates me to keep up stimulating conversation, thought, activity, and every day events in life.

My ability to do this, and attempt at doing it well (which I've been told I do at an unusually young age) I do credit to the fact that I have naturally high maternal instincts.
As well as a very organized and motivated mind.




My point I'm working towards has to do with a theory that is century's old.
Nurture vs. Nature.

In a sense of questions.

Today at work I was cleaning the kitchen with the news on. There happened to be an anouncer on the air that stated in a VERY surprised tone that couples are and I quote
"ACTUALLY TAKING PARENTING PREPARATION CLASSES BEFORE THEY GET PREGNANT"
I thought to myself, IT"S ABOUT FUCKING TIME
The other Anchorman questioned said announcer on this statement saying
"why would you take a class? Wouldn't you be able to know? Or rely on the people around you to help when you have questions?"

I think both of them are idiots.
The woman first, because she's actually surprised and almost a little disappointed about it.
Clearly there are no bad teenage parent's out there who might have needed this kind of class...
And then the asshole for saying rely on the people around you.
What if there ARE NO PEOPLE.
There are couples and women out there who have no clue, are frightened, alone, young, uneducated and/or wanting to learn. This makes knowledge of certain things available.

Now It may sound like I judge sometimes, I admit.
But I'm not, in my heart. I'm well aware of how very human I am as well as everyone else.
But I seriously wonder sometimes about people in my life as well as those I come across and hear about every day in this world.

I work in health care. Right?
I see all sorts of curious happenings that most or some people don't have the patience, ideal, heart, or stomach for. At least this is what I'm told from most people I encounter.....

So I do meet a lot, A LOT of people.
I've met some women who, bless their hearts,....have had Artificial Inseminatinon/Invitro.

These women I have met all have children of a similar age, that come from similar backgrounds.

One of these women is ill. Another has a career that she focuses heavily on. And why shouldn't she?
We want it all right?
Both of her children have SEVERE attitude, learning, and social difficulties.
The other mother has Alzheimers.
She is unable to be there for her daughter.

What if this was the reason she was unable to have children?
She simply was not meant to.

I've had this dicussion before ranging over many different reasons, topics and ideas on wether or not I am overthinking this issue.
This world is too heavily populated. Too many people are having children for too many reasons, and the ones who are having children 70% of the time can't afford, can't actually be there, or are not parent's.

These women could have adopted, there are billions of children out there who have no home and a big whole life ahead of them with lots of love in their hearts to give.
More importantly you would be able to choose your child.
when someone chooses you....could you think about how good that makes your heart feel?

But we, humans, persistant smart little fuckers that we are, made it possible for those couples who just have the idea of parenthood in their heads to have a baby of their own.
That they will one day not be able to raise as a decent human being because not even halfway into their journey one of them turned into a child as well.

One reason in particular this topic edges me more than some is because of my own parents. Although I am no longer harboring any anger towards my mom. I've tried time and time again to withhold a relationship with her. I do see how much of a good person in her heart she is.
The rest is something I personally paid for with my childhood.


I have a few friends. Just a few who have grown up with VERY similar childhoods, and the problems have been as well.
There were people I knew who had similar lives as my own but decidedly chose to look down a negative road. Only believing that what they were given was what they were worth.
Not to make it better. Not to try to change it.

Just to accept it and be part of it.
At what point in our minds does the switch go off that says "give up here"
Is it a significant loss? Is it our soul? Is it example? Or do we simply choose how we look at each and every incident in our life subconsciously, using our lives re-occuring events as an excuse to stay in the negative comformality so that we can try to "fix" our problems in a falsified manner.

Using technology or fads to attempt a real change in our health.
Using hobbies or relationships as busy work to substitute what we really need deep down in our hearts to be happy.
It's cliche, and I'm certainly not the first person to say it. I won't be the last.
EVERYTHING happens for a reason.
Every decision, every thought, every sight, emotion, encounter, event.
Everything.

But what if, just what if we took into the real reasons things happen to us?

What if we place trust in the decisions that are placed upon us with fate, or if you don't believe in fate then chance.

Start paying attention, and with ease, attempt to embrace it. Make it a better life for yourself.

I'm not saying to give up on any dreams. Just look down a different path that allows you to live that dream differently, even better than you thought before.

Keep fighting, but keep looking for different doors to open, windows to climb through, paths to go down.
If you keep going down the same road, and it's not working out for you somehow....Shouldn't that tell you something? You're meant for something better.....it doesn't matter for how long. Just keep going until you land exactly, where, you are supposed to be.

Bag of keys

In the past few weeks I haven't written anything for several reasons.

I've been going through quite the foyer in a new house of life changing events.

Recently it's come to light that I have hit so many road blocks because I'm bigger than some things in this world want me to be.

My father's lawyer contacted me, this week. With a box of files, framed certifications, military records, and a bag of keys.

I find this to be really interesting, because a friend encouraged me to find out where they come from. These are twenty 5 year old keys.....

How in the hell do I find out where they come from?
One has a bulldog on it, another has a lion. Some were car keys....given my father was a mechanic this comes to no surprise for me, however...
There are six, rings with keys on them, mostly generic....
Six single keys, a few generic, a few intriguing.
One BIG ROUND key ring, with a small odd key.
And one Key chain that had no key OR key ring.
Oddly enough this key chain had a note on it that said: "Try this one first."

Yeah yeah I hear you guys saying "Deana come on it was probably an extra house key or something."

Well, if anyone knows me well enough there are some people that will tell you, I don't believe in coincidence. I've seen too much and I've been through enough to know that as many doors as life has closed on me, maybe this bag of keys is here to help me find a really big door.
My gut tells me I'm gonna find something pretty interesting.

Let's hope it's like Narnia!

Breaking out of the settings.

There are questions that people avoid each and every day in life simply because of comfort.

When we get comfortable, there is room for laziness. Lazy Sundays' are good.....
But, lazy life, is destructive.

My one question that is repeated is "why do people not care about making their lives better?"

Working hard for something in life isn't just physical, and it doesn't have to be painful.
Sometimes it might be,...God never gives us anything we can't handle right?
And if you don't believe in God...what about Dirt naps? Aliens? or the Universe?
Yes I just went there.

Everything happens for a reason, so is it the knowing that curiosity killed the cat?

Are you afraid your paws might get burnt?

Paranoia, fear, hope....they all go hand in hand.
But when is it ok to believe firmly in our souls and hearts that we CAN in fact be rid of the negative?

Do we have to have doctors or an authority figure say so?
I mean, we all have brains right? That grey matter floating inside the rock we call heads?

I've been told I think too much, or I think too deep, or I read into things.
But if I didn't, I wouldn't have gotten as far as I did. If I didn't ask questions, I would never know the answers.

Hard work supposedly pays off.
So many people will spout these words in haste, but have no idea what true hard work is.

Have you ever met a man so stubborn and prideful that he couldn't even apologize for something he had done wrong, even with a heart sweeter than purity. The very thought in lies with fear it'self that he may be left vulnerable....when his whole life he fought not to be. Only because he wanted to make his Mother and Father proud.

Or a woman who used to be a Triathlete and the top of her game in the field she worked in. Suddenly can no longer walk.

A child facing Chemo-therapy and smiling at the end of the day for any particular reason.

Hard work is breaking the chains that bind us, through daily struggles, life altering events, and years of family patterns.

Hard work, is facing change with an open heart, positive mind and willing soul.

So why is it not wanted? The benefits most certainly are.

Settling only causes more problems in the long run. You won't be here to suffer the consequences, but those you leave behind will.
Isn't it time to make a better choice?
You're worth it. If anything we're all human, you are worth the benefits of your own work...
Get crackin' already, what are you waiting for?


I've been told a lot of things for someone my own age.
Extraordinary things, it's your turn.

New Eyes

Sometimes when people really mean something to us. When we love them to the depths of our hearts somehow in any form.
If they should say something and it sticks, our whole perspective is shifted.
Like the earth during an event on the rictor scale, our minds hold gravity to what makes sense in our hearts.

I've been on my own for a long time, paying my own bills, rent, car insurance, car payments, fix-ups, maintentance and enjoying my life.
Ain't no man take care o me.

But I was holding hurt, holding pain in my heart out of fear for so long from damage done to me by events in my childhood and in recent years.

This weekend I was fortunate enough to come across some old acquaintances whom happened to open up a shop.

Lucky me needing my car fixed that they knew me, remembered me in good form, and are good people.

Both of them, having girlfriends, would have near death experience type frightened me six months ago. I would have completely run away from an opportunity to get my vehicle fixed from trustworthy people for a low price given the circumstances as unintelligent as that might sound....

My fear of women holds heavy to it.

This weekend. I didn't run, I didn't hide in a corner, I interacted, I talked with girls my own age, and had intelligent confident conversations, without panicking.
I made friends. Out of choice to just, relax.

I had the mental option to control my energy and where it went.
Feeling like meditation is the one holding me down here....it's not about sitting cross legged on a pillow pinching your thumbs saying "ommmmmmm"

It's about taking the want in your heart, applying it to the strength in your mind and using that energy to be positive.

I don't have a degree in psychology.
But I used to be a girl that cried every day, I would panic and scream because things were unfamiliar to me and I had no support.
It's not that I wanted things to go my way, I just wanted one person. Someone to hold onto to tell me it was going to be ok.
And instead for a very long time I had people attack me in a lot of ways, and abandon me in others.

I'm the girl that changed from that...
to this.

Today, and this weekend, I was able to be around more than 2 girls without even a blink of being nervous.

My confidence shone through, I felt at ease and for once, normal.

This continued for the remainder of the weekend until this afternoon when I was given a ride back to my apartment.

On the way back we had the top down on the car, I was in the back, and looking at the trees on the highway, couldn't for the life of me figure if it was because I never got the chance to be a passenger, or if it was the new eyes.

My fear of living has completely vanished, and not within the realms of taking chances, which I've always been willing to do.

Let's face it no guts no glory right?

This time I want to live.

I was killing myself, literally in my heart. Pushing away every chance at an emotional connection out of fear of loving.
Loving myself, loving others.

I won't do it anymore. I want people with me, in my heart, I want them to feel the love I have for them, and I don't want to be awkward or strange.

It shouldn't take someone until they are 25 years old to know that they have worth as a person in their heart.

Or at least to recognize it.

But that's what happens when the world has goggles on;
we lose perspective on what others have been through, what chances and opportunities we can give our children, and how we can make it better rather than to avoid.

Maybe it's time for the goggles to come off.

Life is not a fairy tale. It's anything but.

In light of that notioned statement I've been told from some very emotionally, mentally, and financially successful people that following your heart is the way to go.

So what if we did just that?

What if we just look at the map of our hearts and look down the path with an open mind?

What if we just see with our new eyes?

Given

"To whom much is given much is required" Luke 12:48

It's known from history, that the greatest of families have passed down from generation to generation, public responsibility. In scripture from the bible, all the way to comic books like Batman this is referred.
What makes us great? Is it what we carry physically with the posessions we own? The choices we make, things we say, actions throughout our daily lives. Or is it our reaction when life happens...

What about those whom nothing is given.
The ones who have no parents, no friends, no siblings.
When we have nothing to start with but ourselves, there is no example.
How do we take that and move forward with it?

The last time I wrote, it was time for me to start therapy, and so I had.
Within the last two weeks, I've been able to keep a positive attitude, still holding my idea that things are possible. I am getting through this.

On my 18th birthday I moved out of my home where I grew up. Of course, in my mind the whole thing was as dramatic as an Oliver Stone movie. As I sat in the passenger seat I looked in the rearview mirror and it was sunny, warm, crisp outside. Leaves were fluttering about in the road.
The country.
I knew then it was the beginning for me.
Knowing what I wanted was one thing but I recognized what I had to do.
First things first, get a job.
I got three.

I moved out, and for five years it was hell. Stuck in a town with one mode of public transportation, no car, no colleges.
I came up with a plan, thought about the endless possibilities of all that I knew, what I could do to prove that I knew it, the things I could do to help.

Looking around....wondering why no one else considered these things....Why didn't anyone else WANT to make something better?

Amy sat down with me last week for the first time.
Going over the things had been said to me, the things seen, had done, events gone through, what has been brought on myself and others.

The one question she had to ask at the end of it was

Who is there for you.

What has been given...

Which in turn....I wonder where it started.

Knowing that I'm not the only one in the world, nor do I have it the worst out of anyone.
Visiting with some friends of mine, a few weeks ago, we were discussing my generations lack of appreciation for life. As well as those before us, and humanity as a whole.

I asked them, considering their age, politely stating that they were in fact old enough to have seen the difference, growing up in the depression.

"When did it start?"

"The baby boomers!"
She gasped loudly in response.

Why am I hanging out with 70 year old women? Because they rock.
Evelyn had the grace of calling me to inform me that we were related and she had been looking for me for years. Lucky enough for me I had been trouting around in the historical society,...where she volunteers.

And so, we spent time getting to know one another finding out of course, that blood does run thick and the many qualities we share not only as women, but as people with our want to live.

"The baby boomers!"...."They had everything given to them because their parent's had nothing...."
It occurs to me every day, knowing, but it's not something I dwell on.

Within that a thought that does frequent my brain activity is "who, when, how, can we change it"

Balance has always been a key, from studies in Bhuddism, Zen, Christianity, Greek Mythology,...

But why does it only have to be considered in religion?
Wouldn't it make more sense to understand that wether or not you believe in god or a higher being...it's not about that?

It's only about balance.

Not evening things out.

Just Balance.

Everyone wants to stand strong with feet on the ground. Knowing that we can get through life.

What happens when there is no support? When you have nothing?
When you don't have someone to teach you how to stand?

Wouldn't you want someone to 'consider' the difference between you and them if you were different?