New Eyes

Sometimes when people really mean something to us. When we love them to the depths of our hearts somehow in any form.
If they should say something and it sticks, our whole perspective is shifted.
Like the earth during an event on the rictor scale, our minds hold gravity to what makes sense in our hearts.

I've been on my own for a long time, paying my own bills, rent, car insurance, car payments, fix-ups, maintentance and enjoying my life.
Ain't no man take care o me.

But I was holding hurt, holding pain in my heart out of fear for so long from damage done to me by events in my childhood and in recent years.

This weekend I was fortunate enough to come across some old acquaintances whom happened to open up a shop.

Lucky me needing my car fixed that they knew me, remembered me in good form, and are good people.

Both of them, having girlfriends, would have near death experience type frightened me six months ago. I would have completely run away from an opportunity to get my vehicle fixed from trustworthy people for a low price given the circumstances as unintelligent as that might sound....

My fear of women holds heavy to it.

This weekend. I didn't run, I didn't hide in a corner, I interacted, I talked with girls my own age, and had intelligent confident conversations, without panicking.
I made friends. Out of choice to just, relax.

I had the mental option to control my energy and where it went.
Feeling like meditation is the one holding me down here....it's not about sitting cross legged on a pillow pinching your thumbs saying "ommmmmmm"

It's about taking the want in your heart, applying it to the strength in your mind and using that energy to be positive.

I don't have a degree in psychology.
But I used to be a girl that cried every day, I would panic and scream because things were unfamiliar to me and I had no support.
It's not that I wanted things to go my way, I just wanted one person. Someone to hold onto to tell me it was going to be ok.
And instead for a very long time I had people attack me in a lot of ways, and abandon me in others.

I'm the girl that changed from that...
to this.

Today, and this weekend, I was able to be around more than 2 girls without even a blink of being nervous.

My confidence shone through, I felt at ease and for once, normal.

This continued for the remainder of the weekend until this afternoon when I was given a ride back to my apartment.

On the way back we had the top down on the car, I was in the back, and looking at the trees on the highway, couldn't for the life of me figure if it was because I never got the chance to be a passenger, or if it was the new eyes.

My fear of living has completely vanished, and not within the realms of taking chances, which I've always been willing to do.

Let's face it no guts no glory right?

This time I want to live.

I was killing myself, literally in my heart. Pushing away every chance at an emotional connection out of fear of loving.
Loving myself, loving others.

I won't do it anymore. I want people with me, in my heart, I want them to feel the love I have for them, and I don't want to be awkward or strange.

It shouldn't take someone until they are 25 years old to know that they have worth as a person in their heart.

Or at least to recognize it.

But that's what happens when the world has goggles on;
we lose perspective on what others have been through, what chances and opportunities we can give our children, and how we can make it better rather than to avoid.

Maybe it's time for the goggles to come off.

Life is not a fairy tale. It's anything but.

In light of that notioned statement I've been told from some very emotionally, mentally, and financially successful people that following your heart is the way to go.

So what if we did just that?

What if we just look at the map of our hearts and look down the path with an open mind?

What if we just see with our new eyes?