tin man, lion, scarecrow

I got attrociously drunk tonight.
Don't know how, it wasn't that much.
I had a bottle of wine, and two beers.

But.


But.

I came home after a long day of work and hung out with my room-mates.

They are amazing, and prayers were answered when I moved in with them.
Both of them just as original and different as I am.
They are comfortable and fitted in their own skin.

It's great.

It makes me truly proud to live with the kind of people that I know myself to be.

Tonight, another groundbreaker surfaced as I spent quality time with girls.
Girl I lived with, and bonded with.
Completely void of fear of any sort.

Along with such, we decidedly got drunk and went to a bar.
Running into boys, one of which was throwing options and complements at me like a verbal frisbee.

I dfended myself after turning him down gently so many times that he made a point to be a GENTLEMEN and carried me out of a bar.

I feel like I'm in the middle of a fairy tale.

With men, it's virtually impossible for me to not be a bitch by initial instinct.
I don't want that.
I'm sweet, I like being sweet.
Women frighten the crap out of me.
They are mean, vindictive, hurtful scowling crazy bitches.
Men are good people most of the time.
MOST of the time.

The rare ones are the best.
Nerdy white, intellectual, jokingly sarcastic hippies with a sweet side and sexy arms who might be taller than me.

I wish I could find one that was strong enough to grab me. Kiss me.
And tell me that he wants me for good.

I wish a man in my life who knew me for what I was before...who saw the difference could look at me and appreciate the breakdown of a chemical that my soul is.

I'm a different breed.
I want a life with fulfillment of a woman, and the legacy of a man.

I wish I could let love in.

Instead I have to be a fiesty bitch.
Like some sort of protective shell because I was forced to ask for a hug while I was growing up.
To heal myself.
Instead I've sufficed with a bandaid of egotistical verbatim in form.

I want a man to go past that.
Beat me down with emotional gentility.
Move me.

Tonight, like any other night...not to sound condescending....but...let''s face it; my ass is candy.
I get hit on a lot.
I'm learning how to be honest. Without feeling bad.
And tonight, I tried to let a guy down easy.
Tried.
Didn't happen.

It was almost like he wanted to fight....
really?

I mean I get turned on with banter....but really?
A turn down?

Please don't make me do this.
I have fought so hard to learn NOT to do this.
I don't want to have to work for approval.
I want to be accepted for my personality, I want to be loved and appreciated for it.
Not my defense mechanism.
I want to be a girl.
For one Fucking day.

I want to be completely sweet, not have to defend myself once.
Be pretty, and easy going and happy.
I want a man who makes me comfy.
Like the kind of sofa, that is brand new, but already somehow broken in to the point where it's so comfortable.....you fit.

I had to make a point to describe about the fact that
No. I'm not an asshole.
No. I don't think you are ugly.
No. I'm not the girl who is going to sleep with you to prove you wrong.

No.


I'm just not the type of girl to throw my legs up and scream for any guy.
I want love.
Real, honest, best friend, food fight, dancing drunk, board game, silly speak, true love.
Is it so wrong that I have had to fight for air in my own lungs so much as to be human....
That the one thing I truly want ....
the only thing I ever want to be given in this life is the one thing I've earned by birth.


I'm so cliche it's gross.

Part of me is sticking my metaphorical finger down my own asophagus.

But really.

I want gushy. Mushy. Squishy love.

Lobs of love.
Hugs and kisses, and dark chocolate and lilies on valentines day.
I want cheezy movies, beer, wine, nerdy t-shirts.
Late night cooking and snuggling while watching a documentary.
Banter and music jamming.
Even matching halloween costumes.


Just because I'm different doesn't mean I don't deserve it.

It mean's I'm better than half the bitches out there.

In more ways than one.



No no, Not just any guy. But any particular guy who isn't close to the one.


I'm picky?....WTF do you want I'm a woman in New England...

Where's my fairy tale.
Who's the fairy?
And where is my prince charming.

Also. I started a writing project today.
Last night I went to visit my friends, and an idea for serious effort came into mind.
I did what I knew I had to do.
I ran with it.
With confidence.
I'm about to make waves with my imagination.

What I'm about to say should have, would have, could have and did come sooner.


I love my roommates is the speculation.

As far as my writing goes- along with my life

I know what I want. And I'm going for it.

Grab your napkins...
I'm collecting date logs.
......................This is about to get juicy.