Abracadabra

It's only natural for someone to feel some kind of happy when they are given something.
Wether it's allotted, presented, upon a superficial holiday, birthday,...anniversary, or just any old
from me to you exchange.

The act of being given something in any positive light makes people feel good about themselves.
They realize in some way they are worth other people's time, money, emotion, ect.

They realize that they are in fact worth more than the flesh and bone we carry ourselves around in.
Causing us to believe that materialistic things are measurable.
Placing our moral mentality on the egotistical high.

Confidence.


When there is too much confidence, people become cocky...
Snarling children make fun of the less fortunate.
Adults will either not realize how incredibly selfish, ignorant, arrogant, or rude they are.
Or they will take it a step beyond that and ACT very much like children with adult aspects.
Protecting what they have around them like someone is going to steal it; for many,
many, different reasons.

Unfortunately in this world things are given too much; too easily to the wrong people.
Or they are not given at all to the ones deserved.

This is where Merit comes in.
Where life has to be earned.




For years when I was a child I was screamed at every day.
For things I didn't understand, things I didn't do wrong, and mistakes I was made.

Constantly forced to apologize, I did.
But then I was told to apologize like I mean it.
So I did.
I did anything to get them to stop screaming at me.
Anything to get them to stop treating me like I was bad.
I begged.

For the past eight years I've extensively worked on the deeper issues.

Instead of getting to the bottom of a well, I dove in.
I found all the leaks, and the cracks..discovering what my life was built on...
I found out what the poison was in the water.
I've filtered it out.


Now I'm dealing with my defects!

For years.
YEARS I TELL YOU!

I have apologized for nothing.
Almost like it was mandatory for me to say it every time I spoke.

If something dropped and I picked it up;
I would apologize to the person I picked it up for.

If I apologized and I got told not to worry about it....
I apologized again.

Saying I'm sorry was ingrained into me.

The mentality of "I was not worth something"
Was in my blood.

One of my patients, that I took care of was a sweet little Texas lady.
Marie.

She was the most profoundly giving, loving kind woman I have ever met in my life.
Someday, when she passes away, I know she will be an angel for many.
Myself included.
I don't care that she's 84 she's one of my besties.

When I apologized to her, for anything...
her simple response:

"What all you apologizin for?"

It really started then to click in my head about 3 years ago on how bad it was.
But my focus was on more important things I needed to fix.

Funny whenever people have apologized to me for similar reasons.
I've always responded with simply: "It's ok, you're human..you're allowed"


I'm not sorry anymore.
This month a couple of things have happened in a social manner where I was treated wrong out of instance by people.
Normally I would have backed down while fussing about it.

I spoke up.
I spoke up, I have been protected, people in an authority are starting to understand me in a different light, and I realized that I haven't said I'm sorry when I need to in a while....

I'm not sure how long.
But the words haven't come out of my mouth lately.

To the whole world this could be a minescule thing...
But for me, this is a sign that a life goal was completed this year.

I'm healed, and moving forward into my dreams.
Nothing is going to stop me.