Letting go of the last words.

How do we, when in the middle of the end, of the beginning;
start telling a story we've been telling for years?

Do we redirect the story?
Why do people manipulate their lives so that others see with a veil.

Are we so fragile that we can't accept the thought of another being different even in adult stages?
Recently I've been dealing with a closing.

The closing of a chapter in my life I had only been dreaming of since I was about ten years old.

After grueling nights of crying, alone, fair-weathered friends beating me down verbally because I didn't want to get wasted all the time, or because I wanted to apply for my next job, or even because I'm different. Just odd. Years of pain staking emotional infringement by people who are so closed off they might as well deserve Mr. Freeze taking a shot to their head.

I'm happy.
I'm so at peace happy with myself I don't know what to do.
Really and honest to Gods truth.
I'm like a lost retarted puppy in a flowery maze atop a volcanic mountain ready for unearthing a fiery grave.

All of the options for me to live my dreams have failed while in suffering.
So this in question; do we really get second chances when we deserve them?

I've dealt with some of the most horrific things known to man, and now that I've conquered them.....It's almost like I've found a personal peace that's the equivalent to a man on his death bed.

Except...I was robbed of my childhood,....feeling estranged in my youth, and now feeling like I don't belong in my adult.

There's an ending coming to me. While I know all too well it's a great one, and that when this door is finally closed, a really beautiful one with blue skies and fields of green I can frolic in will be available to my soul.

All of my dreams I held, so close to me.
Are well on their way....

But the one thing.
One thing I don't know is possible to happen.

Almost because it's been severed from my mind as though I'm not supposed to have it.
Not because I don't deserve it.
But maybe, I'm so different.
Just maybe,
I'm so slightly off kilter, that when I crossed paths with the one I'm supposed to be with,
we went in different directions, as we were coming from.

Navigation has such a way to do with our lives.
Most people don't realize where they are going until they have completely surpassed the tunnel and crossed the bridge. Hell hath be fury on the other side....sometimes it's not all that pretty.

For me, it's not ugly.
But it's not pretty either.

After dealing with posession.
Not the marijuana.....I only wish I got locked up for green piece.
Think I'm crazy.
Take from it what you will.
I know well enough that there were things I have done in my past, that I remember the outcome.
Even though I don't know how I got there.
There was darkness lay deep so far in my soul it hurt to breathe sometimes.

And anything good. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what methods of therapy I practiced,....

Something inside me pushed it away.

There's no way to describe what I have to say without sounding clinically insane.

But to know, fully well, that I have literally been depression free on a prayer.
And that SERIOUS significant changes in my life have been happening along with things so beyond coincidental it would almost seem right to ask who put it on the calendar of life ahead of time.......

The one thing I have never been fully given,
The one thing I've worked so hard to understand.
Is the only thing, I may never have again.

It pains me. I might cry.
If I live out the rest of my life after this very large steel door of past,
shuts and locks only for me to hold a key where no one else may know.

I'm ready to hold happiness. I'm ready to live in peace, as I have been.
I'm ready to live for me, and samba, laugh until my stomach hurts, walk until the sun comes up,
work in career fields I have studied more in my dreams and when I'm awake.
Play my Ashiko, cook dinner from scratch and drink any sort of brew I possibly made myself.

I'm ready to live my dreams.
I'm ready to live with love.
I'm ready to love the man of my dreams, and be loved.
But have I pushed it away completely?

Caught in an oxymoron of conflict.
Patience might very well be the end of me.

I might live out my dreams.
I deserve not to live them out alone.