Baby steps and big girl pants.

In this venture, I'm realizing this tidbit that is really exciting to me.

For years I searched for things in darkness.
Every time a major event happened to me it was negative.

But I asked for it. Literally.

Over the past two months, I've had a lot of time to re-coop and breathe.

Now that I feel like I'm standing on my own two feet in broad daylight, and I can see where I'm going.....

I scratch my head in wonder....because....Now that I'm HAPPY....
I have NO CLUE what to do with it.

I mean, yeah I have the same dreams as always, but this time, I'm not afraid to live them.

I'm also getting to know myself, when it comes to response....
That's where things effected me the most.
The biggest difference between my family and I that was clear to me was reactions.

Everything was always overwhelming.
It didn't need to be.
It never needs to be.

Ever.

Life is overwhelming enough to begin with right?

It's a known fact that we cannot love others until we love ourselves.
But for us to love ourselves, doesn't that mean we have to accept our own demons completely and conquer them?
To find peace within.

Is that all it really takes for us to be able to see unbiased, clear, logic, without judgement, and to keep moving.

When people live out their dreams, they fit better in society.
Financially, socially, statistically speaking....people just tend to have less problems.

I think it's the work; people don't want to do it.
And that's ok, but if they understood the benefit, not just for themselves, but for everyone else. For all of us together. What a wonderful world this could be!

My point is. ...brace yourself....

Now that I've found love what am I gonna do...........with it?

Hardy har har.
But really. I'm gonna take it to the max.

Remember I said I'm at "the doorway"
Metaphorically speaking of course.

Well I had to take a look around me.
My job will be ending soon, as I completed the tasks i was hired for, and I no longer want to work in health care.

Oh the lists.

Now knowing that I have no more emotional, depression, or anxiety monkeys on my back.
I can do anything!
Be it the dreams that were crushed DURING the past five years.
I've spent majority of my youth taking care of others.
Now it's time to REALLY take care of me.

Samuel Beckett once said,

"Try once, fail. Try again, fail;
fail better."

If I hold no fear, no bounds can stop me except for what is simply not meant to happen.
And that, to me, is ok :)

Because whatever I do, I give it my all, and my best.
Which has gotten me here to begin with...

I want to write. I'm good with words, but I need to find a story.
I want to find a story.
One that impacts people, that makes them laugh, cry, think, debate.
Something that causes people to be inspired enough to make solid changes in their life.
I want to find a story, and I want to bring it to light.

I want to write screenplays.

I want to be a bartender.
It's not the highest goal on the spectrum list.
But, it makes me happy.
I like serving beer, and over hearing substantial conversations of inebriated thought.
It's fun.
:)

I want to teach, English, at a college.
And while I do, I want to travel with a program for international language studies for museums.


Halfway done with getting started, at least I know what I want to do.

If I summed it all up, I could suffice to say,
Someday.....you wait and see,
I'm gonna be the female version of Indiana Jones....