It's a love thing...

Depression Free for exactly ONE MONTH, today.

I'm going to be 25 years old in 3 weeks and I remember my depression starting when I was around 7 or 8 years old.
I remember things from my childhood that most people deny I could. It frustrates me truth be told but I know that things happen for a reason, even the memories we hold stay there with purpose.

For years I remembered things that were unexplainable to me.
I watched circumstances around me slip from one end to another with questions from a young age.

When I started asking....that's when it kicked in.
I remember feeling a darkness around me. Seeing the light in a mood change in my own home.
My house felt different.
My Mom was different.
My life was different.

Conversations at dinner weren't conversations anymore.
I wasn't allowed to speak unless spoken to.
Any humerus thing I would say was completely inappropriate.

All I wanted as a child was my mom.
My Mom and my Dad.

My dad was gone, and I understood.

But my Mom was there, I just felt her being taken away.
There was something that was pulling her, blocking her from doing the things she wanted and being able to be herself.

My relationship with my Mother has been tainted by my childhood however it doesn't prevent me from seeing the person she is and has always been.

As a woman, as a person, I've said it before and I'll say it again...her heart is easily the largest one I've ever come across. She has paid a price for it. So have I.......

When my father passed away for a few years all I could feel and see was yellow and white.
Not literally you dolt.....
I mean in an ora. She was happy, so happy that it filled our lives. Not a worry in the world, and then it started getting darker.

The yelling increased, and it didn't stop. For 17 years. It only got worse.
Then the doctors, the blood tests, the screaming, fights, medication, ect...
There was only hurt.
The consumption of my soul was so evil to a depth that it literally surrounded my life.
Like a cloud I could feel it. I could see it.
And I wondered why, If my mother loved me as much as she said she did, if there was care and love in my family....how come they were letting me hurt?
No one listened to me.
No one answered my questions....but when I tried to leave...they wouldn't let me.
The drugs that doctors put me on were so damaging at the time that it ruined my GPA.
Gave me a speech impetiment, caused seizures, sleep deprivation, Mood Swings, and water retainment.

By the end of my high school I was 230 pounds.

When I turned 20, a year after I got out of high school, I weighed 106.

I looked amazing.
But I knew that everything else was just being uncovered....

When I was growing up,...these fights,...my house would shake. I could feel it being unearthed.
Wondering what they neighbors thought I was thankful that we lived in the middle of nowhere.
People already thought I was strange. If they knew what was going on at home.
They would look at me worse.
When someone is staring at you, it's easy to sense.
But it's knowing and feeling WHY they stare that's the real conductor in this whole mess.
Ignorance is bred, through judgment and misunderstanding from lack of want to make things better and compassion.

It's normal for people to look out for themselves. Which stands in our very nature of being human.

But what concerns me is within ourselves there is a know of good and evil, whatever you might believe in. There is no one without the other. Whether you like it or not, they both exist.

Honestly, in my opinion, if you're denying something within the greater good, it's out of fear or you just might happen to be that piece of shit that try's to stop people like me from succeeding in life.

I'm aware that some of the things I say out loud might cause me to appear of lesser intelligence.
That whole "think before you speak.." I haven't exactly got it down packed yet.
Quite honestly I'm not sure I ever will. But you can't stop me from trying!
My case and point...see above...
I'm good. In my heart, because of my heart, my will, I have prevailed through an emotional curb stomp that life and this universe we live in sent my way as an infant.

It's possible to come out of such a shitty life and hold onto the very thought that happiness and love,...all things good do exist.

For five years I searched everything, studying behaviors and ideas, beliefs, and patterns.

Reason being, in my life. In my childhood, from a young age my soul was being taken from me.
Every action in my life through any option of growth emotionally, mentally, I could say physically because I'm all of 5'0 tall. :)

Nonetheless I was in all senses Not Allowed.
My life in one word was .Prevented.

Behaviors i studied was the concept of action reaction. I paid attention to the people around me, why they did the things they did, who they did them to...why those people were the people they did them to.
Ideas were religion, conformity, politics...
Beliefs were nature vs. Nurture...you don't even know how many conversations over Aliens and Quantum Physics I've had over wine, beer, and good food.

For patterns...I just looked around. Everywhere.

So when people tell me I think too much, I just consider it a complement. Because In 5 years...
In five years of life. I taught myself, and by personal choice of people to actually learn from, because my heart felt happy, it felt safe, I went from having so many issues that I destroyed every relationship I had, I couldn't communicate, paranoia, eratic behiavior, tantrums, trust issues, inability to be comfortable with my own sense of self, humor, style and personal thought insomnia, no real friends, no stability, emotional confusion,...

To this.
I'm healthy, physically. My Eczema is actually going away....I have been so good at my job that I was hired by word of mouth and it's been REQUESTED highly of me that I stay.
I got accepted, enrolled and have taken classes successfully at Boston College with recommendation from professors to my Dean that I am a very and one of the most capable student's they've seen.
I've been told by a range of adults that I'm wise beyond my years, I'm extremely intelligent for my age.
I've been complemented by those who know me well of my accomplishments.
Loved ones are at ease, no longer hold worry.
No anxiety when I walk into a room full of people (females included) that I don't know.
I know the exact emotion behind every thought and WILL communicate that to you in confidence if necessary...
IF I need to. Only if I need to...lol
I sleep at night, I sleep well.

I'm making an impact and moving forward doing the things I love in this life.


A friend of mine, who hasn't been the only one to say it asked me recently, "why don't you have good stories? Happy memories?"

I've started making them.
Photographic evidence of shenanigans ensue!!!
Proof in pudding?
A 12 year old I know asked me yesterday to give someone a hard time.
I told her no, it's not right to do that, explaining the other ways to go about it.
Response "you're so peaceful Deana..."

I love myself.
Today, I've been depression free, darkness free. For a month.

No medications.
No doctors.
No Therapists.
No outburts, anxiety, negativity, or attitude has held place within my heart or been able to be near my soul for one month.

Only light has been allowed in.

One more thing...
A girl I grew up with, god bless her is such a kind and happy spirit.
However, comes from such wealth and love it's a little bit gross,..
I'm not jealous...I'm happy for her. She's quite honestly one of the genuinely booming happy people I know.
Few weeks back it was stated on her facebook ( I know...lame ) that her friend suggested she's accomplished so much it's more than most people in her life.
Because of what?
She lost weight.
Graduated from college.
And moved up high in a company her mom co-owns?

I'm not saying she hasn't accomplished alot. Kudos to her for doing well :)
I'm proud to know her and be able to say that she thinks highly of me.
My point is that...what do people recognize as a valuability?

What is nothing? What is alot?

To be able to smile every day is a blessing. So the fact that someone who has no support, no foundation, no nothing and was birthed into such a dark hole of life can be truly happy and find a healthy purpose in this life?
Without burden or pain?

I'm a hard working, caring, honest, laughing, hug loving, puppy cuddling, country waggin' music listening, dancing in my kitchen, party in my car, tree climbing, life loving, New England pride filled, photo taking, shoe loving, barefoot in the mud running, water hole swimming, Call of duty video gaming, family fun, travel buggin, learning new things, home team chanting, artsy fartsy, good time with my friends funnin', old soul, free spirit. It starts here and I ain't ever gonna stop.
I'm even on a hitch to start my on business.

I did it. All by's myselfs.
No parents. No family. A few friends here and there along the way...
I learned love.
And now it owns me.
I surrender to it willingly. <3