I promised myself a long time ago. LONG time ago. The sadness, the tiresome anxiety would end.
The pushing, and the work would lead to good things. All of it.
By my 25th Birthday
My life goal list consisted of Healing.
In every possible way.
So much that I could hold a consistent line of work for several years, not have ever being fired, during my mistakes was a blessing in itself. And able to see the mistakes directly after making them so I could learn, and make sure I did not repeat.
Speaking about this with a personal friend today caused me to want to write about it. The immense respect for life that I hold. Which, quite honestly within the past two weeks has broadened even more than I thought it could. I'm not modest anymore. Humbled would be the appropriate word.
You see,....in my freshman year of high school there was a girl I know who had the guts, and the sweetness to come up to me and say "Deana; there is a way to be modest without being so DEEPLY modest."
She cared enough about me to try to tell me that it was okay to have confidence.
That was something I knew in my mind yet could not completely understand or physically act out in my every day life.
My tattoo represents so much of my past and my future and is a staple in my life.
Immediately after I got it, just a few days after my birthday. A VERY VERY important person in my life passed away.
He, as a friend, brother and so many wondrous entities was the only person in my entire life I had ever come across who understood the thing about life that I hold most dear.
It ends, yet continues on through the simplest of ways that most people just do not comprehend.
All you have to do is have faith.
That's all it takes.
Faith in yourself, your dreams, God.
Faith alone has gotten me so far in this life that I'm almost sick of telling my story from the beginning.
ALMOST. :p
Luckily for me, I do know and believe in new beginnings.
Within the past two weeks, not only due to a funeral, but within realms of my new address, Starbucks, and Target, random bump-in's. I have seen SO MANY faces from my past....elementary to post college.
Another close friend of mine is a Cherokee woman. She has the faith, and is a spiritual worker.
Her words would tell me that by no slight of hand God is showing me that I have a new life.
I am in fact healed.
The anger that dwelled within my soul burdening my every thought with a push of paranoia is gone. Depression has swallowed itself whole. And hurt through thoughts of past occurrances has no place in my heart.
Growing up in a religious setting those who know me know I do believe in god.
Those who know me well know that I don't let religion consume me.
Those who know me best know Spirituality is how I truly live.
within the past six months, I have completely gotten rid of depression.
I don't cry when un-necessary.
Even me ..------the Queen of Scream can rest her lungs. Even when I'm in the car and I want to yell....it doesn't happen.
That anchor on my back- It's a stamp.
It's a hey look at me, I did this.
God is my Compass. He or She is the light I look to when I pray; Not for things, nor glory, nor fame, wealth, or possessions.
I pray for mental health and happiness through learned experience.
So many prayers have been answered, and so many odd things have happened close to co-incidence.
My Conscience and heart is the anchor.
Let my life flow freely in the ocean of the world that I may live right.
I hold myself down steadily when needed. I let myself go when it's time for change.
My soul is embedded in that compass.
That I may be a free spirit, and accept truth in light, for whatever may happen to me, It can be good. All I have to do is try to see why with faith.
Is it any convenience that the biggest sports fan I knew was also one of the deepest souls I could have ever come across?
He passed this week and Yet the Bruins continue their First Stanly Cup Victory in how many years? Hmm.....
enough of this serious talk though....
Tomorrow I start anew.
I've been contemplating the next five years and what I want to accomplish.
As of tomorrow I start running.
I want to lose 30 lbs in the next 6 weeks. Healthy- of course....what am I Lindsay Lohan?
I want to finish school, now that I've gotten in.
I want to get accepted to Grad school. Not sure where yet, but i have a list of places.
I want to learn to REALLY be agressive for the things I want.
I mean what good is knowing how to stand up for yourself if you can't use it for your own benefit...christ I wish I was an asshole who liked to start trouble. It would make this whole dealing with shit-bags business a whole lot easier.
I want to make things with my hands...like....carving wood stuff....
And I'm gonna go fishing a whole lot more.
Write my book.
Fall in love and get married....One time.....Ever....Successfully.....With my soul mate and man of my dreams.....
Get my teaching liscence.
Go on a Road trip around the US
Go to Europe.
Get a job at a bakery decorating cupcakes.
Get a job as a Bartender
Get a job playing with puppies. Yes. I want to get paid to play with Puppies. What is that a crime or something?
Go ahead...slap those cuffs on me....
HOW DARE I want to have fun with fluffy four legged happy creatures.
Wait wait.....stick around long enough and I'll make you listen to the voice....then, then you'll understand. You know that retard voice every woman get's when she's near a puppy?
It's pathetic I know. But seriously I'll make you listen.
That's what you get for poking fun at my life goals.
If you could get paid to drink beer I bet you would!!!
Learn to play that god damned violin Heather gave me....
Use my Djembe!
Get published....
Run a Few Marathons. (tomorrow I'm going to start a thirty Day Regiment...I need you guys to keep up with me on this!!!)
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM WANTED
Have a SUPERFUN ENTERTAINING GOOD PAYING CAREER JOB THAT ISN'T HEALTH CARE!
(preferably in a university in very specific locations.)
I know I know.....you say....Deana ....you're taking on too much...Deana,.....you can't just make things happen....Deana.....just because you write it down or ask for it doesn't mean you're gonna get it.......
Deana.....
Deana bo Beana Pho Feeena....
Bite me.
Watch me.
I'm the Deananator, Deana Monster, Deanabutter and JELLY SAMMICH! Mmm Tastey.
Diesel D.
After all....Dreams come true right?
Now where's my Staples Button.
THAT WAS EASY
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